EDD THE DUCK HAS BEEN AWAY FROM OUR SCREENS FOR FIFTEEN YEARS.
BUT NOW, HE’S BACK.
HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED WHEN HE MET OUR CORRESPONDENT LIZ.
Liz: Edd, it’s good to see you. It’s been a long time.
Edd the Duck: That’s true, Liz. It has.
L: You’re a hard duck to track down. Can you tell us where you’ve been?
E: I’ve been, you know, travelling, expanding my mind, meeting other ducks – the broom cupboard was a blast, but I just thought, “is there more?” So I packed up and I just headed out there. Finding a more, spiritual life, you know?
L: Right. Whereabouts?
E: Wigan, mostly.
L: Wow. Is it true that the BBC cancelled your contract in the end because you “weren’t duck enough” for the job any more?
E: That’s a malicious rumour – they begged me to stay. The Director cried, Andy Peters was broken, but I just had to do what I had to do. Unfortunately, the paperwork from my later appraisals was destroyed in a freak duckpond incident so don’t try to check that.
L: Edd, tell us about your style. Do you feel you’ve moved with the times?
E: I’m glad you asked me that, Liz. I’ve always been a bit ahead of other TV personalities, but when I arrived at my current look, I knew that was it for me. I had arrived. Everyone always says to me, “Edd, you’re so cool! Edd, how can we look like you?” but I just say, “there’s only one Edd, baby”.
L: So you wouldn’t be curious to try anything new?
E: So many celebrities try out fads all the time, but I say, why mess around when you’ve already achieved style greatness? Seriously, most ducks don’t even wear clothes. I wear a jumper WITH MY NAME ON IT. And my hair is GREEN. Need I say more?
L: I suppose not. Your hair is indeed green. Why do you think more ducks haven’t followed in your footsteps on TV?
E: They just don’t want it enough. I say to them, “ yes, you live in a pond, no, you’ve had only limited exposure to contemporary media , but so what?” TV’s a tough business, and excuses just aren’t good enough.
L: Well said, Edd. Now, there’s a lot of pressure on ducks now to look a certain way. What do you do to keep trim?
E: I’m really lucky because I’ve got a naturally slim and athletic build. I don’t do any of those extreme diets, I just eat sensibly and take moderate exercise. Paddling, splashing, waddling, all the usual things. I’d never have any work done either – it’s got to be natural.
L: So the “beak-job” thing is a myth then?
E: Those photos are fakes and I have nothing more to say about it.
L: We’ve all read about your very public spats with Flat Eric in the media. What is it about him that you don’t like?
E: That whole Eric thing was blown way out of proportion. We’re actually really good friends. But some of these new “mascots” as they call themselves do get up my nose. Like, Monkey who does the ads with Johnny Vegas – now he’s all “famous”, flashing the cash, in all the best restaurants - and for what? Has he ever hosted a high-profile children’s show? Has he ever provided entertainment for hours on end? No. ITV Digital went bust for ****’s sake.
L: Calm down Edd. Tell me, what’s coming next for you?
E: Well, Liz, I’ve had so many great offers, it’s crazy. I’m looking at a couple of sitcom pilots, I’ve been invited on So You Think You Can Float, I’m doing it all. But the first thing I’ll be doing – and this is pretty out there - you know those guys who paint themselves gold and only move when you put money in the box? I’ll be doing that.
L: Right...
E: It’s not about the money – God knows I’ve got plenty of that! I see it more like, kind of, modern art in a way. I want to experience that whole thing, of, being, well, painted gold and sitting really really still. That’s why I agreed to take it on and I think it’s going to be the launch of a whole new phase in my career.
L: Edd, we’re going to have to leave it there. Thanks for talking to us and we wish you all the best.
E: Any time babe.
EDD THE DUCK IS CURRENTLY APPEARING AS A DUCK PAINTED GOLD SITTING REALLY REALLY STILL
