The Liz-Spot

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Ode to Jeggings

The acceptable face

Of the elasticated waist.

Still Stretches round

If you put on 5 pounds

Accommodates Boots

Rounds your legs and your Foots

Washable

Blue

Jeggings

I love you.

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

A Partially Fictionalised Tale of A Day in My Life - In the Style of an Airport Novel*

*Some names and locations have been changed to protect identities

1. Chapter One – Commute

Today started out as a day like any other day.

Little did I know it would turn out to be only almost exactly the same as most other days.

“Hmmmphgrroolll” I said as I rolled out of bed, heading to the stove to make myself some thick, strong coffee. I gazed out of the window as it brewed, thinking forward to the day ahead. Today’s paperwork would be a killer – but I would deal with that later. I couldn’t let myself think about it now.

I lived in a cute little flat in East Lonforth, in an area which had once been rife with crime but which was now filling up with wine bars, organic coffee huts and people with leather patches on their elbows. I dawdled to watch the glorious sunrise out of my sloping window but got so absorbed in the gold and amber of the sun on the concrete that I lost track of the time and came to with a start. “I’d better get going quickly” I said to myself. After gulping down my coffee and dressing quickly in a little green outfit – Mork had always told me that green matched the colour of my feet – I rushed to the station, late as usual.

“I can’t believe I’m late as usual!” I gasped to no-one in particular as I clambered onto the train, gasping for breath after the unplanned run.

Forty minutes later I emerged in Central Lonforth and made my way to my desk in the gothic House of Rabbits building, tourists thronging around outside the building with cheap cameras flashing. “Why can’t you just get out of my way?” I muttered under her breath as I pushed past them. “I really don’t need this – not today”.

2. Chapter Two – Work

Two hours in front of my computer and I was already rubbing my temples with small circular motions, trying to physically ease the stress out of my body.

“I understand, Mrs Smith”, I said into the phone receiver, wedged between my ear and shoulder in a way my friend Noddy repeatedly told me would give me back problems later in life. “Tighter regulations on urban rhinos is certainly important. Yes. Hmm. I’m not 100% sure how that would work exactly, but it’s an interesting idea.”

I put the receiver down wearily and picked up the appointment book – once I had dealt with Mrs Smith’s rhino problem I would have to prep quickly for my HAPFRA meeting before making a start on the report on Optimum Chair Tilt which was due by the end of the week. The thought of a long, hot soak in the bath crept into my brain but I forced myself to concentrate. Chair. Tilt. “Come on Loz, use your brain”, I told myself, knowing that with my long string of academic qualifications I would be expected to produce something good – really good. “If you don’t pull something out of the bag soon, you’re never going to get that promotion.”

Before I could think any further my boss came through the door like a whirlwind, dropping the huge pile of paperwork I’d been dreading onto my desk. “These need to be done NOW!” said Karellan. “I know you’ve been burning the candle at both ends, but by Jesus, if we don’t get this dealt with we’re all done for.” “What about the Chair Tilt report?” I gasped. “If someone doesn’t work out an optimum angle for chairs, the nation’s workers will all suffer from mild discomfort or even DEATH! Goddammit, you told me that yourself!” Karellan looked me straight in the eye. “Loz, I shouldn’t be telling you this. But what’s in these papers could be even more bureaucratic than that.”

3. Chapter Three – Leaving Work

Sitting at my desk I rubbed my arms, suddenly cold, despite the warm sun outside that I’d admired for so long this morning. My desktop cactus was drooping, echoing my the feeling of my weary head drooping off my bendy neck.

I had a dinner invitation from my friend Marielle but I didn’t know if I was going to make it – that paperwork was still towering over my desk and I’d heard from Mrs Smith that the rhino was now lodged in her garden shed. But when I caught a glimpse of some lambs frolicking in the sunlight out of my grey office window, I suddenly jumped up from my desk with a burst of resolution – “They can cope without me! I’m leaving!”

4. Dinner

I exited the tube tentatively at Fansburt Park, clutching my nautical themed pashmina scarf round my shoulders. Rubbish danced round my ankles as I entered Tesco to pick up some Doritos – Marielle loved nibbles and I knew she would just love these maize-based snacks in their blue bag.

But when I knocked on the door of number 50004, I got a feeling in the pit of my stomach. Something was wrong – very wrong..........

MORE NEXT WEEK!

Thursday, 12 January 2012

300g

According to my new digital scales, this week I have lost 300g.

But what does 300g actually look like?

GOOGLE IMAGE RESULTS FROM THE SEARCH TERM "300G"

This is the top result. It appears to be a plastic jar of dehydrated mushrooms.

This is a red car. It looks like it should weigh more than 300g to me but maybe it's much tinier in real life than it appears here.

I totally don't believe Google here because this one specifically says on the packet that it is 500g.

Seriously, another car? THIS ENGINE DOES NOT WEIGH 300G

Hmm, a horse. I am doubtful that I have, in fact, lost the weight of a horse.

This seems to be more realistic, and has the added benefit that Ginger Nuts are exactly the kind of thing that one should be losing when on a diet. Unlike horses. Those should not be lost, in general.

Thank you Google.

CONCLUSION:
I have lost the equivalent of a pack of Ginger Nuts. Goodbye Ginger Nuts.

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

FRUIT: A CUT AND THRUST WORLD

Bananas

Have a rama

Give super strength

To one Man

And fell others

Using only

Skin

The apple

Is Big

And Satisfactual

It keeps the doctor away

And may not be upset

When in a cart

Even Peaches

Have their niches

As celebrity child DJs

(although they may now feel

That they chose unwisely).

But what about

The Plum?

There is no

Plum Man

There is no

Big Plum

Plum skins have no power

To bring the over-mighty

Back to earth

Is the Plum unlucky?

Under-plucky?

Personally,

I can only conclude

That the Plum

Failed to try quite hard enough

The Fruit world

Is cut and thrust, Plum

You must man up

Or be bottled

Friday, 15 April 2011

EDD THE DUCK HAS BEEN AWAY FROM OUR SCREENS FOR FIFTEEN YEARS.

BUT NOW, HE’S BACK.

HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED WHEN HE MET OUR CORRESPONDENT LIZ.

Liz: Edd, it’s good to see you. It’s been a long time.

Edd the Duck: That’s true, Liz. It has.

L: You’re a hard duck to track down. Can you tell us where you’ve been?

E: I’ve been, you know, travelling, expanding my mind, meeting other ducks – the broom cupboard was a blast, but I just thought, “is there more?” So I packed up and I just headed out there. Finding a more, spiritual life, you know?

L: Right. Whereabouts?

E: Wigan, mostly.

L: Wow. Is it true that the BBC cancelled your contract in the end because you “weren’t duck enough” for the job any more?

E: That’s a malicious rumour – they begged me to stay. The Director cried, Andy Peters was broken, but I just had to do what I had to do. Unfortunately, the paperwork from my later appraisals was destroyed in a freak duckpond incident so don’t try to check that.

L: Edd, tell us about your style. Do you feel you’ve moved with the times?

E: I’m glad you asked me that, Liz. I’ve always been a bit ahead of other TV personalities, but when I arrived at my current look, I knew that was it for me. I had arrived. Everyone always says to me, “Edd, you’re so cool! Edd, how can we look like you?” but I just say, “there’s only one Edd, baby”.

L: So you wouldn’t be curious to try anything new?

E: So many celebrities try out fads all the time, but I say, why mess around when you’ve already achieved style greatness? Seriously, most ducks don’t even wear clothes. I wear a jumper WITH MY NAME ON IT. And my hair is GREEN. Need I say more?

L: I suppose not. Your hair is indeed green. Why do you think more ducks haven’t followed in your footsteps on TV?

E: They just don’t want it enough. I say to them, “ yes, you live in a pond, no, you’ve had only limited exposure to contemporary media , but so what?” TV’s a tough business, and excuses just aren’t good enough.

L: Well said, Edd. Now, there’s a lot of pressure on ducks now to look a certain way. What do you do to keep trim?

E: I’m really lucky because I’ve got a naturally slim and athletic build. I don’t do any of those extreme diets, I just eat sensibly and take moderate exercise. Paddling, splashing, waddling, all the usual things. I’d never have any work done either – it’s got to be natural.

L: So the “beak-job” thing is a myth then?

E: Those photos are fakes and I have nothing more to say about it.

L: We’ve all read about your very public spats with Flat Eric in the media. What is it about him that you don’t like?

E: That whole Eric thing was blown way out of proportion. We’re actually really good friends. But some of these new “mascots” as they call themselves do get up my nose. Like, Monkey who does the ads with Johnny Vegas – now he’s all “famous”, flashing the cash, in all the best restaurants - and for what? Has he ever hosted a high-profile children’s show? Has he ever provided entertainment for hours on end? No. ITV Digital went bust for ****’s sake.

L: Calm down Edd. Tell me, what’s coming next for you?

E: Well, Liz, I’ve had so many great offers, it’s crazy. I’m looking at a couple of sitcom pilots, I’ve been invited on So You Think You Can Float, I’m doing it all. But the first thing I’ll be doing – and this is pretty out there - you know those guys who paint themselves gold and only move when you put money in the box? I’ll be doing that.

L: Right...

E: It’s not about the money – God knows I’ve got plenty of that! I see it more like, kind of, modern art in a way. I want to experience that whole thing, of, being, well, painted gold and sitting really really still. That’s why I agreed to take it on and I think it’s going to be the launch of a whole new phase in my career.

L: Edd, we’re going to have to leave it there. Thanks for talking to us and we wish you all the best.

E: Any time babe.

EDD THE DUCK IS CURRENTLY APPEARING AS A DUCK PAINTED GOLD SITTING REALLY REALLY STILL